speed-roast

Get your website's performance roasted by 26 legendary personas — Elon Musk, Trump, Hemingway, Dostoevsky, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, and more.

npx speed-roast example.com
npx speed-roast example.com --persona trump
npx speed-roast example.com --persona dostoevsky

Zero dependencies. Zero config. Zero cost.

What it checks

| # | Metric | What it measures | |---|--------|-----------------| | 1 | TTFB | Time to First Byte | | 2 | Total Load Time | Full page download | | 3 | HTML Size | Page weight in KB | | 4 | Compression | gzip/brotli enabled? | | 5 | Cache Headers | Cache-Control present? | | 6 | Total Scripts | <script> tag count | | 7 | Inline Scripts | Non-cacheable inline JS | | 8 | Third-party Scripts | External domain scripts | | 9 | Stylesheets | Render-blocking CSS files | | 10 | Redirects | Redirect chain length | | 11 | Resource Hints | preload/preconnect/prefetch | | 12 | Images | Image count |

Personas (26)

Writers

| Persona | Flag | |---|---| | Ernest Hemingway | --persona hemingway | | Marcel Proust | --persona proust | | George Orwell | --persona orwell | | J.R.R. Tolkien | --persona tolkien | | Vladimir Nabokov | --persona nabokov | | Agatha Christie | --persona christie | | Mikhail Bulgakov | --persona bulgakov | | Fyodor Dostoevsky | --persona dostoevsky | | Strugatsky Brothers | --persona strugatsky | | Ray Bradbury | --persona bradbury |

Tech Leaders

| Persona | Flag | |---|---| | Elon Musk | --persona musk | | Sam Altman | --persona altman | | Steve Jobs | --persona jobs | | Jeff Bezos | --persona bezos |

Public Figures

| Persona | Flag | |---|---| | Donald Trump | --persona trump |

Entertainment

| Persona | Flag | |---|---| | Quentin Tarantino | --persona tarantino | | Christopher Nolan | --persona nolan | | Ryan Reynolds | --persona reynolds | | Keanu Reeves | --persona keanu |

Creators

| Persona | Flag | |---|---| | MrBeast | --persona mrbeast | | Taylor Swift | --persona swift | | Kanye West | --persona kanye | | Zendaya | --persona zendaya | | Timothee Chalamet | --persona chalamet | | Billie Eilish | --persona billie |

Options

-p, --persona <id>   Choose persona (default: random)
-l, --list           List all available personas
-h, --help           Show help

Examples

# Random persona
npx speed-roast competitor.com

# Specific persona
npx speed-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien

# List all personas
npx speed-roast --list

How it works

1. Fetches your page with timing measurements
2. Analyzes 12 performance signals (TTFB, compression, caching, scripts, etc.)
3. Generates a roast in the selected persona's voice
4. Gives you a score from F to A

No API keys. No LLM calls. Everything runs locally with zero dependencies.

See also

• seo-roast — SEO audit with the same 26 personas

License

MIT - Citedy