☁️🧠 Dumbflare™

Continuous Friction as a Service (CFaaS)

"We're not saying you're a bot, but we've seen better humans."

A parody React CAPTCHA component that assumes everyone is a bot ("clanker") and uses increasingly absurd, high-fidelity challenges to "verify empathy" — while gaslighting the user at every step. Styled like a $49,999/month enterprise SaaS tool.

What is this?

Standard CAPTCHAs try to prove you're human as fast as possible.

Dumbflare does the opposite.

It uses a multi-phase gauntlet of impossible, weaponized challenges — a suspicious chatbot interrogation, a dino runner that fails you for being too good, an "empathy mapping" grid with no correct answer, and a jitter slider that fights back harder the longer you try. The design is flawless on purpose: the joke only lands when it looks like it costs $50k/month.

Features

• 5-Personality Interrogation Bot — randomly assigned per session: hostile, exasperated, paranoid, bored, or corrupt (the corrupt one might actually let you through)
• Intent-aware chat — classifies your responses as yes, no, or indeterminate and reacts accordingly in English and Spanish
• Canvas-based Dino Runner — real physics, no React re-renders in the game loop, speed scales with score
• Existential Grid — select all squares containing "Existential Dread" (spoiler: there's no right answer)
• Gravity-defying Slider — target: exactly 72.000%. Jitter intensity increases over time
• Believability Index — a progress bar that paradoxically goes up when you fail, because failing is the most human thing you can do
• Pass chance system — each challenge has a small random chance of actually letting you through, with appropriately snarky acknowledgement
• SassyEngine™ — 100+ responses across 5 moods × 3 categories. No two sessions are the same.

Installation

npm install stupid-captcha

Peer dependencies (not bundled):

npm install react react-dom framer-motion

Usage

import { StupidCaptcha } from 'stupid-captcha';
import 'stupid-captcha/style.css';

export default function MyPage() {
  return (
    <div>
      <h1>Please verify you are human</h1>
      <StupidCaptcha onVerified={() => console.log('somehow passed')} />
    </div>
  );
}

Props

<StupidCaptcha />

| Prop | Type | Default | Description | |---|---|---|---| | onVerified | () => void | undefined | Called when the user finally clears all three challenges (by failing enough times, or by getting lucky on the pass-chance rolls). |

How it works

Phase 1 — Interrogation
  └─ Bot randomly picks a personality (hostile / exasperated / paranoid / bored / corrupt)
  └─ 3-turn conversation, bot classifies each reply as yes / no / indeterminate
  └─ Ends with "i smell silicon. initiating advanced verification protocols."

Phase 2 — Biometric Obstacle Course (Dino Runner)
  └─ Canvas-based game, ~20% chance to pass
  └─ Fail reason: too slow = "biological frailty", too fast = "efficiency detected"

Phase 3 — Empathy Mapping (Grid)
  └─ Find "Existential Dread" in a 3×3 icon grid
  └─ Fake async verification with rotating status messages
  └─ ~30% chance to pass, always gaslights you regardless

Phase 4 — Stability Verification (Slider)
  └─ Align to exactly 72.000% with escalating server-side jitter
  └─ ~15% chance to pass
  └─ "Your hand tremor has been logged."

Result — Access Granted (Barely)
  └─ "You have been verified as 51% biological."
  └─ "The remaining 49% is under active investigation."

SassyEngine API

You can use the response engine directly:

import { getSassyResponse, pickMood } from 'stupid-captcha';

// Random mood, random response
const msg = getSassyResponse('failure');

// Pick a specific mood
const mood = pickMood(); // 'hostile' | 'exasperated' | 'paranoid' | 'bored' | 'corrupt'
const msg2 = getSassyResponse('gaslighting', mood);

Categories

| Category | When used | |---|---| | failure | Dino score < 100, Slider submission | | efficiency | Dino score ≥ 100 (too good = suspicious) | | gaslighting | Grid task completion |

Moods

| Mood | Personality | |---|---| | hostile | Aggressive, condescending, never gives benefit of the doubt | | exasperated | Exhausted, resigned — "i'm so tired of this" | | paranoid | Sees bots everywhere, full conspiracy energy | | bored | Deadpan, doesn't care, still fails you | | corrupt | Secretly on your side, fails you anyway — "the system is a hater" |

Believability Index

The meter at the top fills when you fail challenges (not when you pass them).

| Score | Label | Meaning | |---|---|---| | 0–33% | Confirmed Clanker | Starting state | | 34–66% | Biological Anomaly | You've failed once | | 67–99% | Suspiciously Organic | Getting there | | 100% | Barely Human | Peak achievable humanity |

Tech stack

• React 18 + TypeScript
• Framer Motion — UI transitions and overlays
• Lucide React — icons
• HTML Canvas API — dino runner (bypasses React's render cycle for real 60fps gameplay)
• Vite — build tooling (library mode)

Development

git clone https://github.com/King5upah/dumbflare.git
cd dumbflare
npm install
npm run dev        # http://localhost:5173
npm run build      # builds to dist/

Publishing to npm

npm run build
npm publish

Package name on npm: stupid-captcha Main export: StupidCaptcha component + getSassyResponse + pickMood

License

MIT — do whatever you want, just don't claim you built it without suffering.

© 2026 Dumbflare Systems Inc. · Not responsible for existential crises. Built with spite and Framer Motion.